the things you say part 12

the things you say part 12

I sent word in folded note form along the corridors along the wires and asked you out right point blank to your face but in word form if you would like, perhaps to meet me, somewhere.  I called a person over to my side and gave them the tiny folded thing, wrapped up, written, ready. I pushed them pointed them in your direction pushed them on their way, they came back duly empty handed after some time, I settled and waited they did not bring word from you there was no word from you from you there was just silence weighty real heart stopping silence. It stopped my heart. Heavy heart, like an overweighted pendulum hanging from a wall clock, too heavy ticking out the wrong time wrong rhythm.

Tick the silence carries on and on and on. I need to find the messenger check with her with him that the note went the right way was exchanged the right way. I confirm. It is so. It went to you. You took it. Did you read it? This I cannot know for the messenger did not stay could not say. It was you though, I checked, the markings, noted markings that make of you who you are. Confirmed. All confirmed. See here, I rolled it, big woman, I made my choice, I threw caution to the wind, embraced a non determinist fatalism. I took action, I am a taker of action a hope-er. I am brave. I am foolish. I am strong. I am weak. I am thrown into disarray. Please respond. Not silence. Not more silence. Just fuck off will do. But no. Nothing. Nothing.

I sit with it. With the whirr of the stillness.

I cannot come and find you. I want to come and find you. Will come and find you. Will find you. But not here not now. The timeframe is awry, out of synch out of loop out of balance.

I slide my fingertips across the coldness of the stone bones. Shall I go again? But no. I must wait. Just pull myself in to that ear cocked position and hang in there.