The things you say. Part 10

The things you say. Part 10

I am thinking of following in the footsteps of the dice man. Might I be the first dice woman I wonder. I am not going to roll a dice and see whether perhaps I should rape a downstairs neighbour, I don't have a downstairs neighbour, I don't really have a neighbour at all, do I?

If I had a dice would I dare?

I am thinking about you, of course I am. Wondering how I can break this new stretch of silence that has arisen. Wondering how brave I am, whether I can reach you, what I might say if I could.

I might see whether I should ask you for a date. How would I say it? Hi, I know this may seem a little forward, informal, overstepping of boundaries, but how would you fancy having a date with me? Would that work? Having a date? Is that the right way to say it?

Hi, how are you doing? All good with you? Life treating you ok? Busy? Happy? Ermmmmm. Ermmmm.

Uncomfortable silence descends.

Ermmmmmmm.

Arghhhhhhh. I can't do it. I can't say it. Now I must slink away with a heavy heart. I missed my chance. I missed the chance. I want to turn around, run back, knock at the door, burst in, shout, errmmmmm. What I meant to say was, great. Yeah. Great that all is good with you and yours and your life and you. Great. I'll be off then. See ya.

Hey, it's me, back again. Do you need that? That paper? Can I take it? Oh, thanks. Yup. Great.

Knock knock.

Red faced.

One more thing, just a teeny tiny weeny little bitsy kind of thing really. Hmmmmm. Will you be here next week? You will? Oh, great, yup, that sure is great.

Arghhhhhhhh.

Do you like me, don't you, am I likeable? I am no longer sure. So many people, so very many people find me so dispensable, so disposable, so forgettable so unimportant. I am so unconsidered by so many. Do you hold me in mind as the hours make days fall into weeks into months into years into the final length of one lifetime be it yours be it mine. When I leave the room do I cease to exist? Do you keep me in place. Frontal. Accessible.

Do the trails of our energy sap you, waste you, in the missing of more. I want more. I want more.

Can we even do dates here. In here? The others, so very many of them others have decided not to hold me in regard. It is not in my mind. It is tangible dropping. I am dropped. Or did I do the dropping. I can no longer say for sure. I no longer care, for sure. I care not. I will waste not a jot not a moment not a minute more in the shit such shit it is shit fucking bollocks shit.

Ha ha

The others were cloying, taking, suckling, stealing and in return? Fuck all. Fuck all fuck them fuck off. Eh? That's what I say. Fuck them. They have tried to get in here, but cannot. Cannot. This is a place for the special, the clever, the able. It is the place for those that know. I know. They do not know. Oh how they try to. How they mimic what they think it could be, how far away from the truth of it they sit, all of them. On the driveline sideline locked out for eternity. Wishful and wanting but only so far, of course, just so far, just the surface the dry surface dull surface the meaningless surface. To take what is there and think it is new? To steal it? Oh look inwards. And what do you find, I can say, I shall say, there is nothing. Hollow space. Hopeful space wishful space. Marks and spencer thinkers. Knickers. Knockers. Bollocks you are outside and not in a good way. Try and read to learn it, fail. Try to use other people to gain it, fail. Try to dress as it should be, ha ha fail. Fail. Fail. Stay out there. Outside. Tick the boxes tick the boxes show the pleasant face. Time for that? Fuck off. Time to try? Fuck off.

I am in here with you and we fit. The surface the surface is nothing. We know it. We know it. Watch us fly.

I think we could date in this place. I will ask you. Will I? The dice is rolled. A six says I have no option, I must find a way, anyway, and I must say, this may sound a little odd, but will you go out with me? Can we date?

A three says that I must ask you, out right, straight out, no grimace, no pause, I must ask you this: hi, this may sound a little strange, but might you like to enter into an arranged marriage with me? Tomorrow if we can? There will be a contract, of course, and I would keep my own name. We would live apart, in here, but meet for moments, allowed moments where we would learn to grow and share and love and be and forge and form and make.

I cannot put a 'no action to be taken' clause into the dice throwing ritual. I cannot. some action must be taken and it must be taken by me.

All even numbers say, date. All odd numbers say, arranged marriage.

Here we go.

Now, a dice. I need to find a dice. I cannot keep rolling this one over and over and over in my mind.